Divorce mediation between spouses: A 5-step process

The divorce mediation process involves roughly five steps that take place over 4- 9 interviews:

• A stage of orientation and evaluation where the couple will be able to take stock of what has happened in the past and to determine whether they really need mediation or perhaps, on the contrary if they need therapy.

• A stage during which the mediator tries to identify what the couple wants to talk about: parenting, financial aspects.

• A stage of negotiation of the options chosen by the couple to determine which one is retained.

• The drafting of agreement, by the mediator, on the basis of the elements worked out by the couple,

• The revision of the agreement and the finalization of the procedures by lawyers.

Orientation and evaluation

In the first stage, the practice of family mediation differs from the practice of law and the practice of therapy. During this phase, the mediator seeks to know the profile of the couple and checks why each spouse faces the decision to break: is it a common decision and how everyone makes this decision. It helps to adjust requests and recognize common interests and goals, such as ensuring the well-being of children. It encourages the formulation of applications so that everyone can make concessions without losing face or without being perceived as a sign of weakness. To encourage and facilitate this process, the divorce mediator helps the spouses to separate the emotional side from the rational side.

Identifying what is most important

The divorce mediator can help spouses to separate, for example, anger or guilt from the debate on economic issues. One way this can be done is to ask the couple to write their budget and, most importantly, the budget for the children once the separation is successful. Who is contributing what to the upbringing of the child after the separation? This is a question that never arises when the couple still lives together. The mediator can use a paper grid covering the whole month where each parent will be able to choose when they can have custody of the children. The mediator tries to make them think about these options thoroughly without necessary interfering in the process. During this time, emotion is a bit out of the way because it is only an imagination of the reality

Everyone has to rehabilitate and learn to live differently. It is also during this phase that the mediator tries to know who makes the initial decision, how power is distributed between the parties and what their attitudes are towards conflicts. In this phase, the mediator establishes his/ her credibility by explaining the nature and stages of mediation, verifies the expectations of the couple and seeks to define what might be a satisfactory agreement for the two individuals.

Negotiations

It is at the negotiation stage that decisions will be made. At this stage, spouses should have the opportunity to realize that there are emotions on the one hand and options based on a family and economic reality on the other. They have experienced cooperative experiences that facilitate decision-making. Another objective of mediation is that the couple is able, after mediation, to continue to cooperate and establish negotiation points ("self-mediation").

The drafting of the agreement

The task of the mediator is to transcribe the decisions in a drafted agreement that can be submitted to the lawyer, who will then be able to see with his client whether the agreement respects the right of everyone and can be part of the legal rules. The spouses have the opportunity to return to mediation to discuss the changes proposed by the lawyer. The lawyer will then incorporate this agreement into legal procedures for divorce or separation.

The finalization process

If a settlement has been reached, the settlement agreement is shown to a judge at an informal hearing. The revision of the agreement and the finalization of the divorce procedures are done by a judge. The judge will ask a few basic factual questions to know whether each party understands and choose to sign the agreement. If they have both agreed the judge approves the agreement and gives the couple a divorce decree that shows what they agreed to.